No Wonder My Parents Drank: Tales from a Stand-Up Dad
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YOU’LL NEVER SLEEP IN THIS TOWN AGAIN
From Saturday Night Live to stand-up, from a blockbuster film career to the star of CBS’s hit television show Gary Unmarried, Jay Mohr is one of the funniest people in comedy today. Now, in this down and dirty tale of modern fatherhood, Mohr shares his stories as a first-time parent.
No Wonder My Parents Drank reveals the details behind Mohr’s humiliating test-tube conception attempts and then recounts the trauma of not only having to keep this child alive, but having to spend time alone with him! He waxes poetic about dirty diapers; spins theories on spanking; and mulls over the more hidden advantages of parenthood, like carpool lane access, carte blanche to use the ladies restroom, and an alibi for missing family dinners. Mohr describes, in painfully funny detail, the bizarre situations that all parents inevitably face but can never prepare for (such as when his kid discovered his dog’s rear end) as well as moments of pure joy like taking his son to his first baseball game.
Mohr reports on the hilarious wisdom that his son, Jackson, has taught him—like why it’s fun to play "Kissy Boy" with the other boys at recess, how important sunscreen is for avoiding a "sunborn," and how awesome it is to get a "rainbow belt" in karate.
Riotously acerbic and refreshingly honest, No Wonder My Parents Drank casts the very funny Jay Mohr with an even funnier mini-me sidekick as a supporting character in a little comedic love story that every person who either is a parent or has a parent will find delightful.
an unfortunate witness to this phenomenon when Jackie was about three and a half and I had workmen over installing some new appliances in the kitchen. As the men jockeyed the appliances through the house, my son blurted out, “Daddy, I’m a fucker!” “Excuse me?” He obliged with “I’m a fucker!” Thinking quick on my feet, I said, “Well, hello, falcon, I am an eagle.” Then before he could respond, I added, “Are you sure you are a falcon? Because eagles are so cool.” “No, I am a falcon.” Phew!
the air. Maybe he could land on his back in the carpool lane and get run over by a van with only two people in it. The strange thing about having a baby in the carpool lane is that it takes a few months to realize that your child actually counts as a person. How strange. My kid is only twelve pounds and I can use him to carpool? He doesn’t even face the front of the car! If you say so, officer, I will drive in the carpool lane with my tiny person who can’t drive himself regardless, so it’s not a
at the beach. It isn’t really for shade. If we wanted shade, we wouldn’t be at the beach. The reason there are so many umbrellas on the beach is so parents can have a landmark to show their children. “The yellow umbrella. No, not lellow. The yellow umbrella that is right there!” My grandma used to make my father wear a bright red cowboy hat while he played in the wheat field behind their house. That way she could always see the top of his head from inside. I’m thinking of having Jackie’s entire
You’d knock that guy out. You wouldn’t lean over and guess back. But that is what grown-ups do with babies. It’s fun to freak people out and give them incorrect information. When a mom at the park leans over your kid’s stroller and says, “How old is he, eight months?” You should reply, “Nope. Fourteen. Fourteen years old. I am completely freaked out. I think maybe a valve didn’t open up or something. Do you have any advice?” It’s fun to go the other way, too. The next time you are playing catch
17 MY LOUSY SWIMMERS I am not sure how many men have written this before but if I am the first, so be it. My sperm count absolutely sucks. When Nik and I went to a fertility doctor to get my sperm counted, the test came back that I had none—twice. This seemed impossible considering that I had already made one kid with my sperm. I found it hard to believe that in six years, the few remaining sperm I had left were already retired. Regardless, something wasn’t right. No matter how hard Nik